I realized that I didn’t post on my blog all of last year except for one that I deleted that was about Facebook. Last year was a very hard year for me. It took me all that time to go through the 5 stages of grief… I had to go through it because I had a slip and fall accident in the “fall”(pun intended) of 2015. I was in denial for about 2 years where I still tried to work and everything before my litigation case was resolved. The beginning of 2019, was when I acquired my settlement. It was with a sigh of relief and a case of depression that I continued throughout last year.
I didn’t realize that I was actually depressed until the end of 2019. Every new year starts out sort of bad for me due to January being my birthday month. I’m an Aquarius(1/22), but I’m also sort of on the cusp of being a Capricorn. Aquarians are somewhat known as free spirited. I’ve known Capricorns to be stubborn. I believe that I have both of these traits. This is what I do when I reflect on my life. I find out more things about myself and what I can do to do better. I was doing that at the end of 2019, when I realized that I was depressed.
Due to being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder at the age of 14, I always have to be aware of my “moods”. Also, the first thing I would always deny is that I’m depressed. But also due to my disorder, I have come to the conclusion long ago that I ‘m a high functioning mental patient. I do what I’m supposed to with doctors, etc., to be able to cope. Support groups are usually the best things for me. What I feel about the medications is another discussion. Writing(literally old school style) in my journal helps me the most.
How I realized that I was depressed is that the most obvious thing is that I didn’t blog at all. I posted a little on a site where you can have discussions with others, but I didn’t really write anything of substance. I didn’t move around too much which is very off for me because I do like to walk and stuff. I stayed in the house mostly all 2019. That’s not good at all, especially since without movement my physical injuries got worse. My house is a total mess when a long time ago I could have afforded assistance. I made an appointment to have some cleaners come in soon to declutter my place among other things.
Clutter is the main thing that lets me know when I’m not doing too well. I am a clutter bug, but I usually don’t let it build up to the point of no return. I am definitely NOT a hoarder. I have no problem throwing out things when it gets really bad. I just have to be in the right frame of mind to allow people to help me when it’s definitely needed. I sometimes just watch the tv show “Hoarders” to make me feel just a little better about my own situation. I say to myself, “Now I may be bad… But I’m not that bad… Ha Ha…” The show also pushes me to do something about my own clutter. That’s where allowing someone to come in for assistance is important.
Usually, I like to do things for myself. I’ve been raised to be mostly independent. As a latchkey kid, you kind of figure out how to do a lot of things by yourself. I won’t bad mouth my parents(mostly) here, because they did the best they could with what they had. But I will say that if it wasn’t for my older sister(my surrogate mother), I do believe that I wouldn’t be as advanced as I am. I’m proud to say that my sister is an elementary teacher today. But she has her own family and in our adult lives we just can’t be there for each other physically as in the past. So I have to reach out to others.
I have no close family living nearby me. I live in the tri-state area. My sister is much further north from me, and my parents have retired to the southern states of the United States. I have learned to create some kind of support base in my area. It doesn’t always work, though. Everybody’s going through something and doesn’t seem to have the ability to be there for me as I’ve been there for them in the past. I’m a very good friend and associate to others. Sometimes the same values, etc., are not reciprocated in my relationships. I’ve learned to figure it out on my own.
Now with it soon going to be spring next month. I’ve figured out that I have to do better. My settlement monies are almost depleted after paying bills, etc. I need to wake up and find a way to increase the growth in my freelancing business. I’ve been too lax. I know how to give advice to others, but following my own has been an issue. One of my online associates has definitely made me realize that about myself. Sometimes the people you may communicate with online can be better than those who you actually interact with in person. With that being said, I’m going to do better this week for the end of February to be more prepared for March 2020. #NewLife2020
Below is an example of my posting on MyLot for the new year 2019. It took me awhile then as well.
https://www.mylot.com/post/3263910/missing-in-action-since-the-new-year
TDM 